Funniest Quotes: Top 100+ Funny Quotes

1

Warsan Shire

“Sad people have the gift of time, while the world dizzies everyone else; they remain stagnant, their bodies refusing to follow pace with the universe. With these kind of people everything aches for too long, everything moves without rush, wounds are always wet.” ― Warsan Shire, Teaching My Mother How to Give Birth

2

Veronica Roth

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”
I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

3

Gena Showalter

“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist” ― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

4

J.K. Rowling

“But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

5

Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

6

Masashi Kishimoto

“She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it..” ― Masashi Kishimoto, Naruto, Vol. 18: Tsunade’s Choice

7

Alfred Hitchcock

“Puns are the highest form of literature.” ― Alfred Hitchcock

8

Wendy Mass

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?”
All the time.” ― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

9

J.K. Rowling

“Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

10

Rachel Caine

“Perv.”
He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?” ― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

11

Gena Showalter

“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.” ― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

12

Lauren Myracle

“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.” ― Lauren Myracle

13

Robert Benchley

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.” ― Robert Benchley

14

Roald Dahl

“Don’t gobblefunk around with words.” ― Roald Dahl, The BFG

15

Cassandra Clare

“aren’t you, uh… reproducing?

“sure, we love reproducing it’s one of our favorite things.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

16

William Goldman

“Inconceivable!”
“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” ― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

17

Isaac Asimov

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov

18

Leigh Bardugo

“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”
Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”
“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.” ― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

19

Lewis Carroll

“Why it’s simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don’t you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing’s impossible!” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

20

James Patterson

“Can I come in?
No! I’m in a towel!
I’m blind!” ― James Patterson

21

Rodney Dangerfield

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

22

The Maze Runner

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!” ― James Dashner, The Maze Runner

23

Benjamin Franklin

“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned” ― Benjamin Franklin

24

Charles M. Schulz

“This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this.” ― Charles M. Schulz

25

Richelle Mead

“You…you got rid of that dress fast,” I pointed out between heavy breaths. “I thought you liked it.”
“I do like it,” he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. “I love it.”
And then he took me to the bed.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

26

Lauren Myracle

“You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!” ― Lauren Myracle, ttfn

27

Jess C. Scott

“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

Good things come to those who wait.” ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

28

Richelle Mead

“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you’re going to think about me naked, do it on your own time.” […]
“This is my time, Hathaway. I’m leading today’s session.”
“Oh yeah?” I retorted. “Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then.”
“It’s always a good a time to think about you naked,” added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

29

Cassandra Clare

“I’ve got the Mark of Cain,” said Simon. “That means nothing can kill me, right?”
“You can kill yourself,” Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. “As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn’t.”
“There goes my Saturday.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

30

Jennifer L. Armentrout

“Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

31

Richelle Mead

“A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.”
“Funny, I feel that way about you too.” He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

32

Laurell K. Hamilton

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings

33

Hergé

“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ” ― Hergé, The Shooting Star

34

Pseudonymous Bosch

“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.” ― Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

35

Confucius

“The funniest people are the saddest ones” ― Confucius

36

Rick Riordan

“I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell ‘Flame on!'”
Leo snorted. “If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than ‘Flame on!” ― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

37

Bill Watterson

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!!” ― Bill Watterson

38

John Green

“Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.” ― John Green

39

Jess C. Scott

“The human body is the best work of art.” ― Jess C. Scott

40

C. JoyBell C.

“I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!” ― C. JoyBell C.

41

Rick Riordan

“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts.” ― Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse

42

Holly Black

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks.” ― Holly Black, Ironside: A Modern Faery’s Tale

43

Cassandra Clare

“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

44

Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

45

Laurie Halse Anderson

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can’t help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.” ― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

46

Cassandra Clare

“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

47

Jess C Scott

“A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement” ― Jess C Scott

48

R. A. Salvatore

“Sane is boring.” ― R. A. Salvatore

49

Steven Wright

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” ― Steven Wright

50

Orson Scott Card

“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you’re thirsty.”
Gideon Wyeth:”Why?”
Ethan: “Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.” ― Orson Scott Card

51

Jess C. Scott

“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?” ― Jess C. Scott, Wicked Lovely

52

John Green

“She’s cute, I thought, but you don’t need to like a girl who treats you like you’re ten: You’ve already got a mom.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

53

Lily Tomlin

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” ― Lily Tomlin

54

George Carlin

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” ― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

55

Bill Watterson

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.” ― Bill Watterson

56

Rick Riordan

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.” ― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

57

Rachel Caine

“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.” ― Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls’ Dance

58

Mae West

“Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won’t be avoided.” ― Mae West

59

George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” ― George Carlin

60

Henny Youngman

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.” ― Henny Youngman

61

John Green

“We were kissing.
I thought: This is good.
I thought: I am not bad at this kissing. Not bad at all.
I thought: I am clearly the greatest kisser in the history of the universe.
Suddenly she laughed and pulled away from me. She wiggled a hand out of her sleeping bag and wiped her face. “You slobbered on my nose,” she said, and laughed” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

62

Jennifer L. Armentrout

“How long have you been standing there?”
“Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.”
“He deserved it.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

63

Richelle Mead

“Adrian, I’m on a date. Why are you here? On my car?” ― Richelle Mead, The Golden Lily

64

J.K. Rowling

“The Death Eaters can’t all be pure-blood, there aren’t enough pure-blood wizards left,” said Hermione stubbornly. “I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It’s only Muggle-borns they hate, they’d be quite happy to let you and Ron join up”
“There is no way they’d let me be a Death Eater!” said Ron indignantly….”My whole family are blood traitors! That’s as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!”
“And they’d love to have me,” said Harry sarcastically. “We’d be best pals if they didn’t keep trying to do me in.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

65

Groucho Marx

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” ― Groucho Marx

66

Rachel Caine

“Scoot over, man. I don’t like you that much.”
“Dick. That’s not what you said last night.”
“Bite me.” ― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

67

Jennifer L. Armentrout

“Your mail could’ve waited.” Daemon followed me into the kitchen. “What is it? Just books?”
Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn’t heart books didn’t understand.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Onyx

68

Harry Styles

“A real girl isn’t perfect and a perfect girl isn’t real.” ― Harry Styles

69

Jess C Scott

“V-Day…if you need this one day in a year to show everyone else you truly care for “your loved one” I think it’s quite stupid. I hate this commercialism. It’s all artificial, and has nothing to do with real love.” ― Jess C Scott, EyeLeash: A Blog Novel

70

Marian Keyes

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” ― Marian Keyes, Watermelon

71

Criss Jami

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy

72

Terry Pratchett

“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.”
Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.” ― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

73

George Bernard Shaw

“A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” ― George Bernard Shaw

74

Bertrand Russell

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.” ― Bertrand Russell, New Hopes for a Changing World

75

Becky Albertalli

“What’s a dementor?”
I mean, I can’t even. “Nora, you are no longer my sister.”
“So it’s some Harry Potter thing,” she says.” ― Becky Albertalli, Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

76

Becca Fitzpatrick

“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?” ― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

77

Gayle Forman

“She didn’t care that people called her a bitch. ‘It’s just another word for feminist,’ she told me with pride.” ― Gayle Forman, If I Stay

78

Laurell K. Hamilton

“Can the sarcasm,’ he said. ‘Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Circus of the Damned

79

Rachel Vincent

“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I’d be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.” ― Rachel Vincent, Stray

80

Gerard Way

“This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!” ―
Gerard Way

81

Cassandra Clare

“And now,” Eric yelled into his mircophone, “we’re going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one’s for my girlfriend. We’ve been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We’re gonna be together forever, baby. This one’s called ‘Bang You Like a Drum.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Fallen Angels

82

John Green

“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone’s face is in close proximity to your penis.

This was not one of those times.” ― John Green, Looking for Alaska

83

Johnny Depp

“You gotta be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.” ― Johnny Depp

84

Rachel Caine

“But that quickly faded, and he frowned. “You’re bleeding,” he said. “What happened?”
Claire sighed and held up her wrist to show him the bandage. “Man, you would be so embarrassed if I said it was something else.” Michael looked blank. “I’m a girl, Michael, it could have been all natural, you know. Tampons?” ― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

85

David Cook

“If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell.” ― David Cook

86

Jennifer L. Armentrout

“I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he’s going to come back and want our first-born child or something.”

Daemon waggled his brows. “You want kids? Because you know, practice makes–“

“Shut up.” I shook my head and started walking.” ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Opal

87

Shannon L. Alder

“I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I would never date you. I hate you. I love you…..I think the madness started the moment we met and you shook my hand. Did you have a disease or something?” ― Shannon L. Alder

88

Gilles Deleuze

“If you’re trapped in the dream of the Other, you’re fucked.” ― Gilles Deleuze

89

Jeaniene Frost

“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”

“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.” ― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

90

Peyton Manning

“Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.” ― Peyton Manning

91

Maggie Stiefvater

“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.” ― Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver

92

Tahereh Mafi

“So that’s it?” Kenji says. “You just like him for his personality, huh?”

“What?”

“All of this,” Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, “has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?”

“You think Warner is sexy?”

“That is not what I said.” ― Tahereh Mafi, Ignite Me

93

Cassandra Clare

“Isabelle snorted, “All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon.”
“You noticed,” said Simon.
“I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual,” added Magnus.
“Please never say those words in front of my parents,” said Alec.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

94

Rick Riordan

“Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.” ― Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters

95

Rick Riordan

“Everyone thinks you’ve been kidnapped,” he said. “We’ve been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you’ve been here all night?”
“Frank!” Annabeth’s ears were as red as strawberries. “We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That’s it.”
“Kissed a couple of times,” Percy said.
Annabeth glared at him. “Not helping!” ― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

96

Claudia Gray

“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day,” Raquel said firmly. “And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.” ― Claudia Gray, Evernight

97

Amy Poehler

“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.” ― Amy Poehler, Yes Please

98

Lance Armstrong

“A boo is a lot louder than a cheer.” ― Lance Armstrong

99

Laurell K. Hamilton

“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he’s not starting over on the paperwork.” ― Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams

100

Jeaniene Frost

“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.” ― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

Funniest Quotes: Top 100+ Funny Quotes

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